Have I grown far out and far away from writing, sharing and exposing myself to a journal of any sort?
Have I shielded myself from spending time alone?
2007 highlights:
NYE in Madeira Telling my old boss I'd "see him on the flip side" Road trip to South Hampton (particularly the pebbly and winding side road) Holding Abby in a towel after we gave her a flea bath
wait.. there's more. There must be more..
Discovering The Cure and Louis Armstrong ReDiscovering The Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore) Making Yoga an on again off again habit Putting old friendships and heartache to rest. (I swear, it happened in a dream)
So now, I look at where I am and where I would like to go. I know what I lack and I am really beginning to see where I am challenged. Nervous habits, strange behavior and family traits that I thought didn't affect me. I still determined to believe in myself. I know that I have my place in this world.
I don't know shit about God or evolution or science or the bible. I dont know what I believe but I think that if I were to decide to decide it would mean devoting my life to the study of all religions, and science and spirit. My cup of tea is the business of fashion.
I have family that I miss very much who live within a walking distance. This distance infiltrates my dreams and my saddest thoughts. I am afraid to reach out and reconnect. Although I know that I want to be a family like I remember it being, I put it off and avoid Arglye st. west of Ossington at any cost. It's sad.
I don't know if these are unspelled resolutions. My thoughts are a little confused and jumpy for it has been a long while since I've tried to put them into words. Ultimately I am giving myself a positive outlook. Negativity, complaining and shitty self esteem is SO passe.
Today Melissa and I went to the Toronto Islands. We went to the "clothing optional" beach on Hanlans point. I'd say about 2 thirds of the people there were nude and of those 90% were old men. Meh didnt bother me much. It was overcast and I didnt wear any sunscreen. My back somehow got a tiny burn a bit and now my tattoo is on FIRE!FIRE!!
In other news I have a delicious lasagna in the oven. Nick just called and said he had dinner already. Lasagna for one?
Summer has been ok. Work is pretty laid back and after four months of down time, I am getting antsy for new work. Im hoping to get away for a couple of days at the end of August. We are looking at a B&B in the sauble area. I really want to check out Tobermorry. I hear its super pretty up there.
A great fog has woven itself into my thoughts and once again I am feeling stifled and unsatisfied. As my hair grows longer, I realize how quickly time passes and how It has taken me two years to finish my current personal journal. I used to get through a journal in just under a year.
Where are my thoughts going if I am not writing them down? Did they sink into the ocean when I was in Madeira? Oh Heavy, heavy thoughts.
The place I feel best is laying in our bed. Close or barely touching, in the simple state of rest.
Work is calling for my undivided attention.... back to it.
Avoid it, Ignore it Avoid it, Ignore it Avoid it , Ignore it why why why? Where does the connection cut? Motivate yourself It's the first step Motivate yourself Motivate yourself Move to motivation
A good shake Slap in the face Bucket of cold water Slip on the ice Obsessive photography Positive energy
The past couple of days have been brilliantly sunny. It´s almost funny how people can call this winter. Today everything is a buzz with the new year hours away. My sister has been booked solid with cleints coming here to get their make up done. There are 3 massive cruise ships in the harbour and apparently 5 more are expected before the fireworks tonight.
I am very much looking forward to coming home. I miss the simple things, my boy, my friends, my bed, my cat, my weed. Anyway, see you all soon(ish)~
xoxo M
some shots in the city:
I was here yesterday, the North side of the island:
Hello Friends. I am here in Madeira. I am oficially on vacation and well, it feels pretty good. The weather has been both colder (the wind/ no indoor heating) and sunnier than I expected. I definately did not bring enough jackets or scarves with me. nothing a trip to the city shops wont fix next week, once the chrsitmas rush is over.
Spending quality time with my parents has been very refreshing.
Nick is far far away in Nova Scotia visting family and working at the new AA over Chrsitmas.
After spending our first night apart I have come up with a few observations:
1) I have a harder time falling asleep 2) the bed is much colder when you sleep solo (its been a long while since Ive had a solo winter sleep) 3) getting ready in the morning is AMAZING! This morning I was able to Turn on the lights(instead of using only the bathroom light), and listen to music while I got ready. Two things I really miss doing in the AM.
On Sunday I leave for Portgual. I am SO thrilled to be heading out to the ocean side. I am really looking forward to the New Years Eve Fireworks. Madeira has won all sorts of international awards for their New years eve Fireworks show. They encourage all of the businesses and residents to turn all their lights on so the island is bright and lit all over and then at midnight they have a spectacular ten minute show. Apparently everywhere you look there is a firework going off. They have stations set up all over the island. What is even better is that my sister has an amazing home there with a clear ocean view. Party time!
Anyway, I wish you all a decent holiday and a new years that isnt dissapointing.
As usual time has been flying. This past weekend I was knee deep in MOD-erne GL{amour} work. Clara and I did a window at a queen st btq called Jeans West. the installation took abouut 5 hours to do. We worked ever night for a week to prepare for the window.
I am very satified with our work.
In other news.... Im leaving for PORTUGAL in 3 Weeks! AND ... I may be making a solo trip to Ajax in the near future. Anyone want to come to pick up my new glasses with me?????
Today I wear a flowy red dress with polka dots. This brings some joy to the day that I must face with half genuine smiles. Time will pass as it always does and before I know it I will be in Madeira, looking out to the ocean and smelling the tropical air. I am in a definate lull but I am certain that there is much to come from me. I have dreams and they are becoming clearer and clearer.
I've never been much for Halloween, but this year, I truly had fun! Really, you cant go wrong at vasoleen. Lots of familiar and friendly faces. It blows about the slits not playing, but I think No Dynamics dis a great job none the less.
I am trying my best to stay positive, but something tells me I'm headed for an ugly punch in the gut.
I had a third meeting with a potential employer today. They really like me and I like them. I really believe that we would be a great fit for eachother. I would have to make some big changes in my life to take on this job. I would have to get a car and get over my fear/ anxiety of city/hiway driving. Both things I feel I am quite ready to do. I have done the research and number crunching. Figuring in my fixed monthly expenses (rent, bills, student loans etc.) and the new overbearing price of owning/maintaining a car, I know exactly the minimum salary I can accept. When we finally got down to the numbers and cents part of our meeting and I told them my price, they were a little shocked. They were not prepared to pay that much (which bytheway isnt THAT much)
Literally, the price I gave would grant me enough to cover a car and leave me with just about $100 bucks extra per month on top of what I already make.
I just dont understand this system. If I was still living at home, owning a car would be a breeze. But Im not and living at home is not an option. Is there no credit alloted to a young tweny something who supports themself entirely?? We are pumped off to college when we are barely of leagal age and then we are out into the big "Real world" at 20. Damn you Real World, Ive been working and gaining expierience for nearly 3 years now. Why cant I be worth the experience I have?? Why must employers take such advantage of our youth? I am trying to carve a career doing somthing I love.
Well. Now that I got that off my chest. I must stay positive and wait for their answer.... Back to WORK!!!!!
There is this girl. We will call her Kara. She works here at our office once a week. For some crazy reason... today she was ommiting a certain odor. This odor was very noticable and gross. We all commented on it before realizing where it was coming from. It smelled like sweaty mold that had been festering in a tupperware container that had been left in the trunk of a car during the hottest week of the summer.
She had no idea or passable explaination for her stench. I dont either. Unless it was some vadge gone seriously wrong. Anyway... it became so ugly and uncoverable (even after a her going to "shoppers" to try and cover it up) that she had to go home.
Yes. It's weird and terribly embarassing but, the worst part is how my co-workers have delt with it. They have talked and retalked the stench. They have laughed to the point of histerics. They even called another co-worker who was on the road all day today to tell him, on speaker phone.
I dont know. I may be closed off and have an anti social air at work but at least I know how to show some compassion. After all, I was the one who frankly told her she smelled (when she asked me)and then I let her go home with out any hassles OR consulting with the boss. Why rag on someone who already has to deal with something freakish? Doesn't that build bad karma or something?
It's 3:10 am. we have just arrived home from lost cats, a party our friend jereny throws.
we have to stay up with meilissa (may-leissa)because she beleives she may have a cuncusion from play fighting on the dance floor.
we are talking about shirnks. help lines. have you ever called one? I knew someone once who said he only called once, when his grandmother died. the only time he cried.
I used to want to call kids help line, to talk about my dreadful parents who kept me in the very insane religion.
I went to see a therapist once. when my sister had her accident that left her permanently disbled in a wheelchair.i ended up talking most about my father... and him. because I loved him them.
the girls are saying that they would lie if they had a therapist. They are "not able to let loose" .
insecurities, worry, imperfection, delusions of graduer, ice cream.. dance parties,madonna's vogue. Being a girl.
I had an uneasy sleep last night with much tossing and turning. Picking and peeling through layers of myself to find the reason behind my madness. Sometimes, I forget who I was before I was in a relationship. Although that time was uneasy in general (dealing with my ugly and untimely depart from the religion) I was more assertive more realistic and less jaded by the miracle of love.
The rational way of appraoching this is to chalk it up as a reaction. Perhaps this new bread insecurity or angst for something new is derived from the fact that my boyfriend has married himself to his books while he finishes his last year or university. Or perhaps it is the lack of talk. real talk. about the future. Man, I am needy.
Am I insane? I acctually think I am. Someone tell me to chillllll out.
Fun weekend! Now this week will fly, while we gear up for the big monster Jam we are hosting at our house on Saturday. Rumor has it Grave Digger will be making an appearance!
I've said it before and I will say it again... I have the most beautiful friends!!!!
We all know how quickly time moves. Suddenly, it is the end Summer. Will this be the 3rd Summer I let pass with out SOME sort of nature related activity?
I used to camp 3 or 4 times ever Summer growing up. I think it's acctually killing me a teany tiny bit every year that goes by without some genuine camping/canoe/lake time.
Ive been trying to research it but there doesnt seem to be any sort of bus system (GO, Greyhound or private service) who will accomodate the carless few who are city bound. It fucking sucks. All this girl wants to do is go canoeing, maybe smoke a j on the lake and laze around on a floating dock.
Doesnt that sound nice?
Monday morning, back to the real world. Back to work.
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